Watching black ballerina was powerful...the dancers
beautiful and graceful. Unfortunately the film was not captioned so I couldn't follow what
they verbally said in the film but I understood the concept and the point that black ballerinas are
just as qualified as white ballerinas and often denied the opportunity to train
or perform.
This brought me back to my ballet days, all the images of ballet lines and pointe shoes. Looking back I recognize and feel privileged because I had opportunities more readily available to me because I am white...in hindsight I was lucky and I could have been more grateful and aware. At the same time, I myself did not have support. I had ballet teachers yelling at me during every class for a year because they assumed I was ignoring them when I really didn’t understand what they were saying but I did not have the energy or the tools to stand up for myself. I was taught that hearing people and adults were always right and I was wrong. I could have quit right then and there but my heart told me to keep going. Peers in school who were jealous because of my talent and confidence in dance. My mom, bless her heart as she was always working so she could provide for me, would complain to me about how she doesn’t have time to drive me to rehearsals and how she is working so hard to provide for me so I can go to ballet and how money doesn’t grow on trees. Growing up orally mainstreamed without my natural language-American Sign Language and interpreters, I was shy…introverted and often cast aside yet the only activities available to me were “hearing” activities such as piano, flute and softball. Ballet was something I felt connected to. I finally had something visual and it allowed me a safe place to express myself. I realize now I never had full access to any form of education growing up - I read all the materials on my own. So that's two things against me, I never had full access nor support which is what many Deaf people have to go through. Regardless of these setbacks, I was always a trooper keeping a positive outlook on life and constantly wanting to prove to people that I can do it all.
This brought me back to my ballet days, all the images of ballet lines and pointe shoes. Looking back I recognize and feel privileged because I had opportunities more readily available to me because I am white...in hindsight I was lucky and I could have been more grateful and aware. At the same time, I myself did not have support. I had ballet teachers yelling at me during every class for a year because they assumed I was ignoring them when I really didn’t understand what they were saying but I did not have the energy or the tools to stand up for myself. I was taught that hearing people and adults were always right and I was wrong. I could have quit right then and there but my heart told me to keep going. Peers in school who were jealous because of my talent and confidence in dance. My mom, bless her heart as she was always working so she could provide for me, would complain to me about how she doesn’t have time to drive me to rehearsals and how she is working so hard to provide for me so I can go to ballet and how money doesn’t grow on trees. Growing up orally mainstreamed without my natural language-American Sign Language and interpreters, I was shy…introverted and often cast aside yet the only activities available to me were “hearing” activities such as piano, flute and softball. Ballet was something I felt connected to. I finally had something visual and it allowed me a safe place to express myself. I realize now I never had full access to any form of education growing up - I read all the materials on my own. So that's two things against me, I never had full access nor support which is what many Deaf people have to go through. Regardless of these setbacks, I was always a trooper keeping a positive outlook on life and constantly wanting to prove to people that I can do it all.
Yes my mother provided for me yet she never understood that
Dance was to be my life. To her, being
more well rounded in life and being able to get a job to support myself
financially was much more important to her. While I love my mother for
wanting the best for my future, she always made it clear that I need to
make
money. She's not alone in this - our society puts this kind of pressure
on us and I see clearly now that many artists are oppressed for this.
There's no money in a dance career so I needed to have another
job to support me--My mom was a physicist and an astronomer and my
biological father a University level Physics Professor. I felt pressure
to go into the sciences...which I did...I diverted myself to study
Chemistry in College. This may
surprise a lot of people but in a sense studying chemistry, getting a degree in
chemistry and finding a job in the pharmaceutical field was easier than
pursuing a dance career. Society is quick to demean
dance and art forms since it is not “academic” or "traditional" but in reality most people don’t
have the discipline, desire and mental ability to withstand the competition to
succeed in this or devote their time and energy to pursue success in the field. Then
within this
already competitive field you have to deal with discrimination and if
you are a POC dancer, then you have to deal with racism and a white
hearing privileged mindset as well. There were many obstacles I encountered that made me
“give up” in a sense many times. Nevertheless
my heart and soul has always been in dance. Whenever life tears me away
from it, my heart fights its way back.
First I quit ballet (not dance) when I was 16 because of
improper training…My knees were injured and I could barely walk sometimes…After
an MRI, we discovered that I had several meniscus tears in both my knees. It was hard but I decided to quit ballet and
focus on other forms of dance as I was exposed to Jazz, modern, contemporary
and African dance at my High School, School of the Arts. Just when I was becoming good at ballet, I
thought maybe because of this I wouldn’t be able to dance professionally or at
least not professional ballet. I look
back and wished I thought of going to physical therapy and finding a way to
treat my injury and engage in injury prevention for the future. Neither my mom or I knew about such options.
In conclusion, I am married to dance. It has been a difficult and long relationship
with many breaks from dance where I feel I can’t be a part of the dance world
anymore since I become so frustrated with the Dance politics or other people
demanded my time not understanding how important dance is to my well being and
my soul and I just did not have the energy to fight back. Watching Black Ballerina triggered all these
memories, desires and inspiration that even through we face many obstacles and
struggles, many of us always go back to dance (or our passions) with a stronger connection than
the previous each time. These black ballerinas don't give up through unfair obstacles thrown at them and I am inspired to do the same.
